Insurrection on New Planet Page 5

  I can’t wait for him to get it.

  I walked over to him in bed, just about climbing into bed over him and kissing him before he had anything to say. And judging by the way he was completely stunned, he was definitely going to have something to say.

  For right now, I didn’t want any talking. I needed to settle my stress and that was the highest priority. Sirus doesn’t care if I use him for that.

  It took a while for me to settle down. That wasn’t much of a problem...more or less. As long as I could breathe and think clearly, then there was nothing wrong.

  I got what I needed.

  I woke up during the middle of the night. My hand was around my neck when I realized it, then I remembered that I thought I was choking in my dream. I haven’t thought about space in months and now wasn’t a good time to stress out about it.

  Even as I gasped for air, I still couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t get a hold of myself no matter how hard I tried.

  My nightmare was enough to send me spiraling. Even while laying down, I felt dizzy and lightheaded. It was getting hot, too. I was so uncomfortable that I thought I would really die if I didn’t move. My thoughts were running wild, and this is why I can’t breathe.

  I got out of bed and rushed to the bathroom, wanting to get cold water on my face so I could calm down. My hands pressed down on the counter as I tried to hold myself up, reminding myself to keep breathing but it only got worse.

  My chest tightened and the fire in my lungs burned even more. It was like I was choking, suffocating, all because of my anxiety.

  I just need to breathe.

  Just breathe.

  Breathe!

  My legs weakened under me and I fell to the floor, still feeling like I was choking. I could gasp for air as much as I want but nothing helped.

  I couldn’t breathe.

  All my worries and fears flooded my mind and it wouldn’t stop. No matter how much I told myself that it was okay, there were other ways to prove that it wasn’t. I got to the point where I started to believe everything was my fault, that I was the cause of this, that everything will end badly because I don’t know what I’m doing.

  Thinking the way I did didn’t help with trying to focus and calm down. I was so wound up that it didn’t matter.

  It was my worst nightmare all over again.

  I could hear Sirus coming to get me. I was still struggling to manage and now I couldn’t hide it from him; this is the first time that I’ve had a panic attack with him here. Now what?

  “What’s going on-”

  “Anxiety...” My voice was hoarse and my breath was shallow.

  His hand was pressing on my chest before he began to pull away. I grabbed his wrist when I thought he was going to leave me.

  “...Don’t.” I needed him to stay here.

  He knows now so he might as well stay.

  Sirus got down on the floor next to me and waited. My fingers didn’t let go of his wrist; I was just so afraid that I wouldn’t be able to separate this reality from my nightmare that I had to hold on to him. I needed to know that I wasn’t going to fall in whatever terrible vision of space my brain could make up. I stared up in the dark, trying to focus and keep the room from spinning. Sirus didn’t say anything beside me. It’s not like there was much he could do.

  I haven’t been this terrified in months.

  I kept reminding myself to breathe, that it was okay, that none of it was real. I don’t have to be scared. And even if I am, at least Sirus is here.

  It took a while to feel like I wasn’t being burned alive. It took a while to finally be able to catch my breath. All the stress has been piling up and this is the result. Finally I could breathe normally again but I didn’t want to go back to sleep. My hand loosened around Sirus’ wrist when I could control myself.

  It’s not like I felt better, but it was enough for me to think I might be able to go back to sleep.

  Sirus began to get up beside me, but his hands moved under me, lifting me up from the cold floor and walking with me to bed. I was thankful that he wasn’t going to ask about this since I didn’t know how I was going to explain myself. My fingers clung to his shirt, my paranoia of falling making me grab hold of him.

  It’s been months since I’ve gone through this. I had everything under control before but now I’m struggling; all it took was a slight problem for me to go off again. If I could help it, I would avoid everything that causes me stress. Now it just feels like I would be abandoning the people that need help.

  This is my fault.

  And with the way I was now, I couldn’t think of anything to do to fix it.

  I didn’t let go of Sirus. I just had a fear of being alone.

  Chapter 4

  I stayed under the blankets when I woke up. If I was lucky, Sirus will think that I’m still asleep and leave me alone for the entire day. It’s not like I wanted to talk about what happened last night. It was just a panic attack and that will never happen again. It shouldn’t have happened in the first place but here we are anyway. I didn’t move under the blanket; this was the best way to hide, plus it was warm too.

  My hair mashed around my face when it began to get hot but that didn’t bother me. I just had to wait long enough for Sirus to leave; I could hear him moving around the room, already dressed and about to leave, hopefully.

  In the next second though, things got quiet and I couldn’t hide for long.

  The blanket was yanked off me so I would be exposed. If Sirus knew I was awake in the first place, there’s no reason to pretend like I’m sleeping. I know what he’s going to say.

  He’s not much of a curious person. But the problem is how much he tells me he cares about me. That might’ve been like three times but that’s a lot. He is not going to just ignore any of what happened last night. He’ll want answers.

  “Care to explain what that was last night?” Sirus asked loudly over me.

  I knew it.

  “...No.” my voice came out extremely quiet and just a bit ashamed that I didn’t want to talk about it.

  It’s just to him though.

  “I still want to know anyway.” He didn’t care that I wanted to hide under the blanket and pretend some more that I wasn’t real and this wasn’t happening. “C’mon, Aurora, I don’t have all day.” Sirus urged me, getting impatient.

  I have every right to tell him no. I have every right to say it’s none of his business. I don’t have to tell him, I don’t have to say anything. But I told myself one day I would mention it to Sirus because I thought he’d be able to handle it, or maybe even care enough to talk to me about it or something like that.

  The day came quickly. I wasn’t prepared.

  I sat up in bed and pushed my bangs back out of my face before reaching for my tablet on the dresser beside the bed.

  There was actually a lot more I needed to explain to him.

  My modified device was definitely one of them. If anyone were to look me up, it would show that I was fine, that my health was in good condition and that I could continue working. However, that’s not how it really is. When I redid my settings, I changed the configuration that would keep me tracked on every single system. Only I will know if there’s something wrong with me.

  And there is something wrong with me.

  I haven’t told him anything. All of it is a secret from him. Already, I know what he thinks of me, that I have some perfect complex and think that there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s not that I want him to change his view of me but...I just never planned to tell him so soon.

  My health wasn’t that good at the moment. I’m going to mentally snap if I don’t calm down. Today.

  Would he get it?

  I pulled up my records for Sirus to see. The most recent was my interaction with the Department of Human Resources and how I had to go through therapy for the duration of time where I was spiraling out of control. I gave my tablet to Sirus so he could read it for himself.

  “I have PTSD.” I tol
d him, not too happy about it. “Apparently I have a fear of space, failure, and having too much stress piled up on me.”

  Those were just the big things, the things that could ruin me. There are other things now. I can’t be in large crowds, I can’t have too many people talking to me at once, I certainly am in no position to take over anything at the moment, for example my past role as Commander and Head of Defense.

  “I tend to have nightmares about space, my biggest trigger is seeing anyone fatally wounded, and I have this terrible dislike for things I can’t control.” I continued but he could read it all for himself.

  Sirus didn’t say anything as he read through it. Everything was there so my secrets were out. That’s the one thing I was hiding from him and now there’s nothing to keep from him. My health and everything that caused me problems are out in the open. I wasn’t sure if this should be liberating or not. Him knowing doesn’t make me feel any better. Him keeping quiet doesn’t make me feel better either.

  After a little while, he sat down and took out his tablet, unlocking it and letting a hologram load for me to see.

  “Remember that one rumor everyone knew about?” He asked and gave me his tablet.

  I didn’t remember the rumor till he brought it up. I know what the truth was but Sirus never talked about what happened. At least not to me. I don’t know any details, any personal stories, nothing.

  I remember wondering what the time gap was in his records. He wasn’t an active Flyer for three months which was weird to me because it was only a year after he started. That was all I knew. And that’s what made me assume the rumors were true. There were pieces missing from the story.

  But I read through it now and apparently it was true.

  As self defense, Sirus actually did kill someone when he was fourteen. There wasn’t that much for punishment, no demotion, termination, nothing. Just suspension. What happened during that time, it doesn’t say. All it said was that the situation was unique and there was no clear solution to the issue. It was vaguely worded.

  One part of me knew already. That same part wasn’t bothered. The other part of me was not indifferent. I knew the truth and now I had questions.

  “I never really got over what happened.” Sirus said. “I don’t like talking about it, I don’t even like when other people talk about it. All the officials wanted to get me help but I never listened and refused to talk with anyone.” He explained.

  That sounds like him.

  “For three months, the officials thought I was in shock. But I honestly just...”

  He didn’t finish. Why? He just what? Would he say something he shouldn’t? That’s like him. What does he think?

  Even more importantly, why would he show me?

  “Why would you...?” Why would he show me this after all these years?

  It’s been so long that I don’t think it would matter now.

  “You show me your dark secrets, I show you mine.” He shrugged.

  That’s how it works, isn’t it?

  His is much worse than mine. Does he know that my problems don’t even compare to what he is showing me?

  “I just...well... I won’t say anything if you want to talk or whatever.” He looked away and rubbed behind his neck, a habit he had when he had to say something he didn’t want to say.

  This was new.

  “You’ll listen?” I asked, getting my hopes up.

  “Maybe.” He looked further away.

  “That’s fine with me.” I was okay with settling. This is a good start. I could just tell him things, even if he doesn’t listen to me. “Are you ever going to tell me what happened?” I asked, curious to know the situation about him murdering someone.

  As serious as it is, it’s not like I want to burden Sirus. It was almost a decade ago. I wanted to know what made him snap, how it happened, what was so bad about what led to it. But he doesn’t have to tell me if he doesn’t want to. I don’t want to bring up something that upsets him.

  He could see the curiosity on my face but I also had every reason to believe that he wasn’t planning to give me any details at all.

  “I would,” he said as he got up, “but I have somewhere to be.” He lifted his tablet from my hands and turned off the hologram.

  I was actually hoping that he wouldn’t go anywhere today. I can’t stop him. Last night has me feeling a little paranoid and scared that I might have another attack and feel so alone.

  I could tell Sirus that, right?

  I opened my mouth but the only thing out was air. Apparently, I can’t give up that much right now. I also have a fear of holding Sirus back. So I won’t stop him when he has to be somewhere.

  “How long will you be gone?” I asked instead, still worried about being alone.

  “A few days. Janus is forcing me to go to Russia.”

  “But I thought we weren’t allowed there.” I said. I clearly remember the not-so-nice messages I got from their officials.

  “No, you’re not allowed there. Everyone else is good.”

  Right.

  “Are you going to be okay by yourself?” He asked.

  “I know how to take care of myself, Sirus-”

  “That’s not what I’m asking.” He said when I misunderstood.

  I looked away and played with my fingers, getting sort of nervous because of the thoughts that crept into my head. Maybe I’m overreacting. I can’t just assume that I’m going to be perfect because I finished therapy. Things happen. This just might be a once a month thing or even less than that. It might not be a big deal. Though, I was still nervous that I couldn’t stop playing with my fingers.

  “I’ll be fine.” I answered quietly.

  Will I be?

  I didn’t want to be alone today but I can find other people to spend my time with while Sirus is gone for those couple of days.

  Sirus stared down at me for a moment, and I knew that expression on his face so well. He didn’t believe me but it’s not like I would believe myself either. He would’ve said something about me lying to him though he didn’t. Instead, he just turned around and left without a word. I was expecting a speech about minding my own business and letting other people handle situations I’m no longer responsible for but he just left.

  I have things to do anyway and it would be better to have some time alone because what I plan to do could have serious repercussions.

  After Sirus was long gone and I was sure I wouldn’t lay in bed feeling sorry for myself, I got dressed and left. My conscience was going wild, trying to make sure I knew the clear difference between right and wrong. I know what I’m doing, which isn’t a good thing, first of all, but I couldn’t help but feel like...I should be doing this.

  It shouldn’t be hard to explain but I had a hard time finding the right words.

  I met up with Libra and Haroldo when they had the chance to talk with me. The only reason they stayed in the region was to give me a chance to give a positive answer for their request to help.

  I had to find a solution fast, something that would make it easier for me to control what happens and to let the two of them help like they want to.

  So I decided to use an old method that worked with computers a long while ago. Instead of changing the workings on their devices, which would take weeks, I decided that my tablet would be an administrator and I’d give them access to what I can do; they can’t see my information but I can see theirs.

  They gain the power to do what I can but only I see the data.

  I told them how it’s going to work and they agreed way too easily, like there wasn’t a reason to think about it when they should actually think this through. When I began to protest, asking them to take this a little more seriously, they just insisted that I go ahead with it.

  It’s more serious than they think. I’m not supposed to be able to do this. I’m not supposed to be able to get away with this. If I get caught, everything is over. I lose everything I have. So they have to take this seriously.

&nbs
p; “You can’t tell anyone I’m doing this, okay.” I warned them as they gave me their devices. “Not other captains or leaders, no one, not even your family.” I made sure they understood me because this is a big deal.

  “We would never tell anyone-” Libra stopped and looked at Haroldo as if she needed to second guess herself. She took a breath and looked at me again, smiling, and said, “We wouldn’t tell.”

  “I’m serious.” I looked at both of them and waited for them to respond. I have to make sure I don’t get caught for this. “You’re going to have to lay low for a few hours because I’m taking these with me.”

  “That means we can’t go anywhere-”

  “I know...? That’s why I said lay low for a few hours.” I repeated myself. That just kept them on edge. They were the ones that wanted to help, they shouldn’t get mad at me because it takes forever.

  “Wait, before you go...” Libra looked at Haroldo then glanced back at me. “Have you figured out what’s causing the issue?”

  “Well no, since I don’t get the kind of access to figure it out.” I said. I don’t want the access either. I’m just doing my job which is giving the necessary tools for other people to do their jobs.

  However, me not having answers was stressing them out.

  “Please tell me that you still aren’t dependent on me after a year of me being gone.” I was hoping they would say that they weren’t.

  “It’s not that.” Libra said quickly.

  “You just made everything so easy--wait-” Haroldo stopped when he saw my eyes widen at his comment.

  I’m also hoping that they don’t want me back so they don’t have to do work. They’re no better than everyone else. No wonder I had problems dealing with stress, everything was dropped on my shoulders.

  “Aurora, I mean you always had the answers to everything.” Haroldo clarified.

  “And when you didn’t, you found one rather easily.” Libra added.

  “I can’t think for you.” I said.